Do you look all that glitters around you and wonder “Is this it?” stuck in a cycle of tasks and places that don’t make you smile? I did, for a long time. For around 6 years in fact, longer if i am brutally honest. I would look around at all that i achieved in my very successful career in corporate marketing and ponder “is this it?” Is my whole life going to revolve around being stuck with the same kind of tasks with the same kind of people for the next 45 years? Don’t get me wrong i met some wonderful people on the way, some of whom i know will be my friends for life. Even from the worst working experiences some beautiful friendships have emerged. I am always able to find a silver lining. But the tasks i was paid to do left little to be desired.
I found myself constantly asking is this really going to be my legacy?
But everyone else is doing it?
It took a lot of Potter pondering to get to the point where i was ready to leave. I would challenge myself every day, yes it sucked and yes i felt my soul being sapped out of me every time someone got seriously stressed about typeface or pantone accuracy. But that’s what people do right? Everyone else was doing it and they seemed OK with it, so why was it not OK for me? Why could i not hack it? Isn’t the payoff worth it? The endless hours, demands and commitment to spend more time in never ending projects?
At the end of the day for me it wasn’t. We are all different, some people want to know exactly what they are doing every day, who they are seeing and what they are going to get paid. They want to do the same tasks every day/week/month/year. We need people like that in the world, people that make the systems and structures work. There are also people like me, that like to do lots of different things, sometimes creative, sometimes analytical, always meeting new people and learning new skills, ideas and approaches every day.
Why did doing what i want to do make me feel so guilty?
I was guilty as charged. Guilty of having the gall to get up off my backside and start living my dreams… Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?! I expected planning and preparing for my trip of a lifetime to be a sea of well wishes and creating fabulous memories with my friends and family before i left. Instead for the last 2 weeks all i have had is negativity, stress, guilt trips and a whole heap of reasons why they feel sad about it, are worried about it, wouldn’t do it etc. I even had my neighbour (who i get on with, but we are hardly best friends) telling me that her kids are going to really miss me!
Yes, i am sad that a chapter of my life is ending, i am leaving the town that i have lived in my whole life and all the comforts that it exudes. I have spent the weekend sobbing on and off with this weird “i can’t believe my little sanctuary (Cake Towers) is all packed up and i can’t believe i am actually going to do this now.” feeling. It’s a reflection of a cusp of emotion, i’m not entirely sad that i am leaving as i know this is the best thing for me. They are more happy tears of disbelief that i am finally releasing myself of all the self made shackles both positive and negative that have held me in stuck for so long.
The boring admin of renting out my house and all the organising that ensues alongside the stress of people throwing how they feel about me going away has resulted in a challenging couple of weeks. Which is why i have been a little quiet, i have finally shaken it off and come out the other side now. Cake Towers is sitting pretty and ready to welcome it’s tenants at the end of the week. I am ready to focus on enjoying the rest of my trip planning too. Although that sounds a bit formal! I have done what i need to do in order to get my Visas sorted, then will work out where i go and when post Hong Kong when i get a bit closer! More on that to come…
For now i am going to recuperate from the stress of sorting out the house and immerse myself in positive energy and people:
Step 1:
Spend some time with like minded people. Get my motivation and energy back after an incredibly draining few weeks. Dinner with 2 of my dearest and supportive friends on Friday night ought to do it. I need to come up with a pudding… love this!
Step 2:
Premiership rugby double header with my Dad on Saturday afternoon, hot men in shorts running around the home of English rugby. What’s not to like?!
Step 3:
Tea, cake and trip planning session with a seasoned traveller friend on Sunday.
Step 4:
Keep up the chatter about where i am stopping and when with the ever growing network of contacts that i am cultivating. I’m amazed at the conversations that have sprung up from me sat at a computer in the UK. I can’t wait to see what opportunities arise when i start proactively reaching out to the world more directly.
Watch out world, afeeder is on her way. Only 28 days now until departure and counting!
One exhausted feeder signing out for the night x
