Time to pack up the house and travel!
There have been a fair few ups and downs this week, i let out my house yay! It was an emotional experience as i know it will never be the same and neither will i. I will be a different person when i unpack all my things again, with new perspectives and influences in my world. It’s been emotional, and i have embraced it, i have been showing reverence to the old me and respect for all that being in that place taught me and allowed me. I’ve spent a long time being her there, so it’s only right. It frees me to get excited about the travel that comes next!
Let go of “what IF?” questions
The old me that did things to please other people, not wanting to offend people and lived in fear of letting down other peoples perceptions of her “successful” life. I don’t think i was even scared of letting people down, just that their perception of me would crack and falter. The old me that was scared to go explore the world for fear that IF it didn’t work out what IF i couldn’t get a job at the same level again. IF i had to come back because it didn’t work out how i wanted then what IF they though that i had failed.
The past 8 months have taught me that IFs are a waste of time. I could what IF every single possible decision that i might possibly make and then end up doing nothing. I spent so long pondering the what IFs that i had become paralysed by fear. I got to the point where i knew that i needed to go and that would be best for me, but i was scared. I had lost my mojo. I spent some time looking back at when i was happiest in life and thinking about what i did differently then to make me so content. I used to think it was the relationships that i was in that did it. But on reflection none of them were as dazzling as i thought they were at the time. They were all anchors that i dug deep to hide from myself and not have to be brave and do the things that my instinct was telling me would be good for me. The last time i was truly content was when i was reaching, learning and stretching out of the boundaries of my comfort zone on a daily basis. That time was 4 years ago now…
That’s not to say that i have not had a bunch of truly happy and fantastic times in the mean time by any means. But i have had a constant sense that i could be doing something much more fulfilling with my life. There were a lot of “is this it?” “Is this as good as it gets?” moments. Often when i was in situations that were out of this world by many people standards. They were great for most people, but not for me i wanted something different but i wasn’t sure that “people like me” went and did that. Living the life you’ve always dreamed of was for other people, not for little old me. It kept coming back to that and i knew i had to do something but i wasn’t sure how to make it work in the lowest risk way (all the while with my gut telling me that high risk = high return!)
The old me that made decisions based on what other people would be comfortable with was fighting with the new one that was starting to trust my gut instinct. It’s been a bit of a battle overall to stay strong in the transition, to only doing what works for me and what makes me happy. It’s a fight against 31 years of being socialised to always take the safe option that will make more people around me comfortable. Well what’s the use in everyone else being comfortable if me the star of the show that is my life is profoundly unfulfilled?! It’s sheer madness.
I knew that i needed to activate change, doing the same thing and expecting a different result was insane. So i have, i made the decision that i am going to take myself away from it all and trust my gut instinct. There are a lot of people in my world that have a problem with this, their negativity has reverberated this week and really brought me down. It’s made me challenge myself, ask questions like “why do i have to take myself so far away?” “How have i managed to fail in the UK?” “How can i not be fulfilled here, there is everything i could possibly need and its safe etc?” I had an overwhelming sense of having failed at life here because i wasn’t happy with what all these people are happy with.
But my instinct comes back into play here, i’ve tried it all. No matter how much it “worked” in the formula definition of happiness it was never enough. It was never right for me.
I have stopped beating myself up about this and as of today am embracing my different approach again. I have my mojo back. All bad energy will be deflected and i am going to enjoy these last few weeks of planning in the UK. I will eat at all the places i have been meaning to go to for ages and have a good time. It’s funny the people that have fall away that i never expected to, and those that have surfaced as avid supporters from nowhere. And that’s OK, the roller coaster will continue to thrill, surprise and occasionally unnerve me. Thats the fun of the fair that i signed up for and am going to enjoy it, it’s all part of the experience.
The first weekend of the UK rugby season has taken it out of me, my farewell to Twickers yesterday was rather Guinness infused so a very sleepy feeder is going to sign off for the day. Phase one trip map will follow next week so watch this space!
Baci a tutti, Afeedertravels x
