If you do what you “should” and it feels heavy
There was quite a tussle between my heart and my head over the last few months, which has much to do with why i have been so quiet on here.
The contract job at the crazy agency deteriorated on a daily basis, more ridiculous behaviour was revealed and it went from being entertaining blog fodder to simply breaching my ethical and moral code on a daily basis. I was lamented for having too high standards (is that really a thing?!) I stayed for far longer than i should in a warped sense of loyalty to finish the job (which they clearly didn’t really have the commitment for) When in my heart i knew what i needed to do.
When it feels “light” just go for it
Thursday was crunch time and one example too many of downright bullying and bad behaviour. I was expected to stick up for the business owner in a situation where he was being downright disrespectful, because that’s part of the role of a marketing & business strategist right? To back the business owner whatever they do… Wrong! Not this one anyway. I calmly explained why what he was doing was out of line and why, he didn’t want to listen, as had been the case in preceding weeks. So i finished the deck that the team needed for the morning’s pitch and packed up my things.
Once the decision is made. Celebrate it, you’re in now!
After a very friendly goodbye to the “team” i went on my merry way grinning from ear to ear without a clue what i was going to do next. Well aside from find somewhere that would sell me and a good friend a glass of Prosecco at 10am in the morning! It was time to celebrate my liberation and getting back to listening to my gut instinct again.
You get what you focus on, so focus on what you want.
My work is very important to me, I take pride in what I do whatever the context. So as much as this chapter of my life is about exploring and experiencing new places, i always wanted it to be complimented by stretching my brain at work too along the way.
I am used to working with some of the best people in the world at what they do, with good morals and respect in the workplace. And although there have been the odd choice characters, they have always been few and far between.
Other passion projects that i am working on confirm that these opportunities do still exist and I can create them for myself, if I surround myself with the right people. So that is what I must do.
The work drama has been layered with dramas in my love life, it’s not been all plain sailing into the sunset with the Caribbean cad. Over complicating that which is actually quite simple and making life much harder than it needs to be has been a mainstay these past few weeks. Which quite frankly I do not need.
A dash of homesickness and an incompatible housemate added in to the mix and the last month has felt bit hard and rubbish. But life is sometimes is. I was feeling incredibly vulnerable which made me more susceptible to cling to anything that was vaguely stable even though it was just hurting me more. Being exposed to all these negative people has taught me to ask the fantastic people in my life all over the world for help, which i have always been too proud to do in the past. I am grateful for that.
Even people who have known me for only a few months have worked out that i am not always good at asking for help. In the past I have struggled, pondered and wrestled my way around and around ideas and choices until i am blue in the face. Then made the most obvious and instinctive first choice after wasting lots of time and energy. It’s been hard work, and i have been hard work as i have wandered through this last month in a dizzy haze of indecision and fear. But finally i have shaken off the rot and liberated myself from negative influences.
I am back to making decisions that feel light and right, i have no idea what comes next or where my next income stream will come from. But i do know that i have made the right choices for me and that is worth more than any daily rate.
Thank you to anyone who has taken a teary call from me, talked me down from a tree, listened, texted, typed, skyped or posted their love and kindness. The kindly motherly love at 1am in the morning, the tough love of frustrated old and new friends who know that i deserve more than i have endured in the last couple of months. Thank you for being there, for being authentic, and for caring. It really is appreciated. I can’t see what i am typing now as i’m crying tears of joy finally! So i am off now to find a new contract, doing goodness knows what, goodness knows where. I do know that i have a whole new criteria to make choices by and that you are all behind me all the way and for that i am truly thankful.
The heart wins every time.
Grazie a tutti e vi amo
baci x x x
(p.s. i have been doing plenty of sunset/rise chasing, eating, gigs, sport and a bit of exploring so more to come on that shortly now that i have a bit more time. But for now just a thank you for helping me get my fight back. After a brief hiatus, Potter is back and ready to rock!)
